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.Perhaps you often complain “we just can’t communicate”. Your communication is probably OK (although perhaps impolite), but sometimes you just don’t like or agree with what you are hearing. What is it that you want from each other that you are so tenacious in your repeated attempts to solve your issues by talking? Often couples tell me they could write a script of their arguments because they repeat themselves over and over again. If the process is so familiar, so frustrating, and doesn’t help, I often wonder what couples are really seeking from each other? I think it is to be heard and validated.Most people, especially in conversation involving personal feelings, want two things: one, to be heard — that their words are heard; and two, to be understood, not necessarily agreed with, but that the other person has at least seen (or made an effort) to see things from their point of view — to “walk in their shoes”. When you achieve these two conversational needs, you feel a greater sense of connection and security in your relationship.
You want to feel connected and safe with one another — it is a big part of the reason you are together. When your talks become tense and strained, sometimes resulting in angry fights, you create just the opposite of what you want. Improve your communication skills, make an effort to have conversations in polite, harmonious, and yes, humorous ways, and you will go a long way towards improving your emotional intimacy and connection in your relationship. |