James Maxwell, LPC, RYT 512 -454-1850
"Love and trust in the space between what is said and
​what is heard can make all the difference."
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Use Your Smartphone to Stop Arguing

4/30/2014

 



Reactivity is -- well, reactive: a physiological, fight or flight response, that can occur in seconds and result in lost tempers, emotional outbursts, or in worst cases emotional and/or physical abuse. (A good Wikipedia article on the fight or flight response: HERE. )  One of the most important tools for helping yourself and your partner in a rapidly escalating argument is to SLOW THINGS DOWN. 

There are the tried and true ways: "Excuse me, I have to need to go to the bathroom", or counting to ten before you respond, but you know when you are in an argument, how you feel the urgency to respond and not let go!

So why not try something different.  Put yourself in a timeout, after all it's what you do to the kids when they are having an emotional meltdown.  And it is your kid part actually, that's out and driving the bus, isn't it? So time yourself out.

Make an agreement with your partner ahead of time, that the next time you get in a discussion that feels too intense, that you use the timer on your smartphone.  You each get 45 seconds to talk -- no abusive language, no name calling, but 45 seconds to say your side.  Then there is a 15 second silence, during which you breathe and meditate, relax -- this is not the time to be churning inside, formulating your next response, or going over how unfair your partner is, but rather a time of self-soothing.

After the 15 second silence, it is your partner's turn to talk.  Then a 15 second silence, and your turn.  Couples always report this works, until it doesn't -- when they have slowed things down and then stopped using the technique.  So you have to stay in the process.

Slowing down and coming into the moment, into a conscious conversation with your partner, means you are going to have to deal with your own anxieties around intimacy, emotional engagement, and high emotions -- which is a good thing.  It will allow you to see the real reasons you are arguing; then you can focus on solving the problem.

We just can't communicate

1/7/2014

 
.Perhaps you often complain “we just can’t communicate”.  Your communication is probably OK (although perhaps impolite), but sometimes you just don’t like or agree with what you are hearing.   What is it that you want from each other that you are so tenacious in your repeated attempts to solve your issues by talking?  Often couples tell me they could write a script of their arguments because they repeat themselves over and over again.  If the process is so familiar, so frustrating, and doesn’t help, I often wonder what couples are really seeking from each other? I think it is to be heard and validated.Most people, especially in conversation involving personal feelings, want two things: one, to be heard — that their words are heard; and two, to be understood, not necessarily agreed with, but that the other person has at least seen (or made an effort) to see things from their point of view — to “walk in their shoes”.  When you achieve these two conversational needs, you feel a greater sense of connection and security in your relationship.

You want to feel connected and safe with one another — it is a big part of the reason you are together.  When your talks become tense and strained, sometimes resulting in angry fights, you create just the opposite of what you want.  Improve your communication skills, make an effort to have conversations in polite, harmonious, and yes, humorous ways, and you will go a long way towards improving  your emotional intimacy and connection in your relationship.

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