Desire Discrepancy in couple relationships is one of the most challenging and enlightening of relationship issues.  When one partner desires sex and the other for various reasons is not interested, couples who lack good communication around sexual issues can become polarized, mis-understand one another, and become emotionally disconnected.  Over a long period of time, this issue can lead to estrangement and separation within the relationship or in some cases divorce.

     Desire Discrepancy is a complex issue, sometimes involving physiological dysfunction, but often relational issues around commitment, eroticism, desire, and an individuals expression of their sexual self.  Esther Perel, a Licensed Marriage and Family therapist and an AASECT certified sex therapist is one of the leading experts on Desire Discrepancy and has written a very interesting book -- Mating In Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic presenting her ideas of the underlying issues involved and different approaches one can take within relationship to change their approach to this issue.

     One of the most compelling points she makes is about the necessity for intentionality in sexuality in long term relationships. Spontaneity of sexual desire is most often present in beginning or relationships, but it is not the source of sexual desire over the long term.  She presented a good summary of this subject in a Ted Talk which can be seen here.