Blog Posts

Be Awake - By Anthony de Mello

5/30/2017

A Beautiful Poem by Derek Walcott

3/18/2017

Everybody Is a Genius

3/16/2015

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

1/15/2015

Your story is important and telling your story is even more important. Clients sometime express frustration at delving into their childhood history wondering if it has anything to do with the problems they are facing in present time. I think this story by Donald Davis is a wonderful example not only of the power of story telling but also how important it is that you tell your story and learn how the telling can help you change....

The Work-Consumed Father

6/6/2014

"The work-consumed father is an absent father in the psychical sense. This gives the maternal process an unnatural preference in the development of the child, not inferred by biology. This new time-equation involving the duration of time spent by mother and father is not supported by the genetic code because over millions of years, father had always spent, comparatively, more time with children than he does now."

"The condition of an overworked father, an equivalent of an absent father, generates a fantasy process which attempts retrieval of the father from the work situation."

From Psycheye by Akhter Ahsen

Image Exercise

1. See that you want father to come home to play with you.
2. See that the father has left his job for good and he has come to stay at home with you.
3. He has kicked the job for good to be with you forever.
4. See that father likes to be with you and play with you at home.
5. Enjoy the feeling of being with him. See yourself doing many things with father in the home.
6. Do not let ideas of his work interfere with the pleasure of the image.
7. Relax and see the two of you playing together. See that the mother does not interfere in your play at all.
8. See the playfulness and forgiveness of the image as you do things in the home with father.
9. Go around outside the home with him, exploring the world, such as trees and lakes.
10. Return home and do things with him inside the home.
11. Enjoy father's company. He is no longer going to work. He has kicked the work habit.

The Art of Disappearing

5/28/2014

Where Do You Expect To Find It?

5/19/2014

Use Your Smartphone to Stop Arguing

4/30/2014

Reactivity is -- well, reactive: a physiological, fight or flight response, that can occur in seconds and result in lost tempers, emotional outbursts, or in worst cases emotional and/or physical abuse. (A good Wikipedia article on the fight or flight response: HERE. ) One of the most important tools for helping yourself and your partner in a rapidly escalating argument is to SLOW THINGS DOWN.

There are the tried and true ways: "Excuse me, I have to need to go to the bathroom", or counting to ten before you respond, but you know when you are in an argument, how you feel the urgency to respond and not let go!

So why not try something different. Put yourself in a timeout, after all it's what you do to the kids when they are having an emotional meltdown. And it is your kid part actually, that's out and driving the bus, isn't it? So time yourself out.

Make an agreement with your partner ahead of time, that the next time you get in a discussion that feels too intense, that you use the timer on your smartphone. You each get 45 seconds to talk -- no abusive language, no name calling, but 45 seconds to say your side. Then there is a 15 second silence, during which you breathe and meditate, relax -- this is not the time to be churning inside, formulating your next response, or going over how unfair your partner is, but rather a time of self-soothing.

After the 15 second silence, it is your partner's turn to talk. Then a 15 second silence, and your turn. Couples always report this works, until it doesn't -- when they have slowed things down and then stopped using the technique. So you have to stay in the process.

Slowing down and coming into the moment, into a conscious conversation with your partner, means you are going to have to deal with your own anxieties around intimacy, emotional engagement, and high emotions -- which is a good thing. It will allow you to see the real reasons you are arguing; then you can focus on solving the problem.

Desire Discrepancy

1/28/2014

Desire Discrepancy in couple relationships is one of the most challenging and enlightening of relationship issues. When one partner desires sex and the other for various reasons is not interested, couples who lack good communication around sexual issues can become polarized, mis-understand one another, and become emotionally disconnected. Over a long period of time, this issue can lead to estrangement and separation within the relationship or in some cases divorce.

Desire Discrepancy is a complex issue, sometimes involving physiological dysfunction, but often relational issues around commitment, eroticism, desire, and an individuals expression of their sexual self. Esther Perel, a Licensed Marriage and Family therapist and an AASECT certified sex therapist is one of the leading experts on Desire Discrepancy and has written a very interesting book -- Mating In Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic presenting her ideas of the underlying issues involved and different approaches one can take within relationship to change their approach to this issue.

One of the most compelling points she makes is about the necessity for intentionality in sexuality in long term relationships. Spontaneity of sexual desire is most often present in beginning or relationships, but it is not the source of sexual desire over the long term. She presented a good summary of this subject in a Ted Talk which can be seen here.

Five Ways to a Great Relationship

1/20/2014

Many people think good relationships just happen or that people are just "lucky in love". I believe you create good relationships by the choices you make in the ways you relate. Listed below are five things that help relationships in general and that can make an OK relationship GREAT:

Good Times: When did you stop dancing? When did you stop laughing? Even serious moments can be seen as funny at least some of the time. Dr. John Gottman in his research on why marriages succeed and fail found that couples should strive for five positive interactions to every negative interaction. Most couples in troubled relationships are focusing on what isn't working rather than intentionally making interactions positive and fun.
Real Connection: Real connection means slowing down, way down, even if only for a minute or so, making good eye contact, taking a deep breath, not talking, coming all the way into your body, and really seeing your partner -- and letting yourself be seen. Try this as you say good-bye or hello.

Expressing Emotions: This doesn't mean being angry or hysterical, but rather letting your partner see that you are excited, sad, puzzled, confused, happy, delighted, etc. about what's going on in your life. We relate to each other emotionally, emotions are the velcro of connection, without emotion there is nothing to stick to!

Ask for what you want: Many people get into the habit of complaining when really all they have to do is ask. Think about it, any complaint is really just a different way of expressing a desire or need. Next time your about to complain to your partner, stop for a moment and consider asking for what you want -- nicely, of course.

Time Alone: The poet Kahil Gibran says it best in the essay entitled "Marriage" from his book The Prophet:

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

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