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September 1, 1939
I sit in one of the dives On Fifty-second Street Uncertain and afraid As the clever hopes expire Of a low dishonest decade: Waves of anger and fear Circulate over the bright And darkened lands of the earth, Obsessing our private lives; The unmentionable odour of death Offends the September night. Accurate scholarship can Unearth the whole offence From Luther until now That has driven a culture mad, Find what occurred at Linz, What huge imago made A psychopathic god: I and the public know What all schoolchildren learn, Those to whom evil is done Do evil in return. Exiled Thucydides knew All that a speech can say About Democracy, And what dictators do, The elderly rubbish they talk To an apathetic grave; Analysed all in his book, The enlightenment driven away, The habit-forming pain, Mismanagement and grief: We must suffer them all again. Into this neutral air Where blind skyscrapers use Their full height to proclaim The strength of Collective Man, Each language pours its vain Competitive excuse: But who can live for long In an euphoric dream; Out of the mirror they stare, Imperialism's face And the international wrong. Faces along the bar Cling to their average day: The lights must never go out, The music must always play, All the conventions conspire To make this fort assume The furniture of home; Lest we should see where we are, Lost in a haunted wood, Children afraid of the night Who have never been happy or good. The windiest militant trash Important Persons shout Is not so crude as our wish: What mad Nijinsky wrote About Diaghilev Is true of the normal heart; For the error bred in the bone Of each woman and each man Craves what it cannot have, Not universal love But to be loved alone. From the conservative dark Into the ethical life The dense commuters come, Repeating their morning vow; "I will be true to the wife, I'll concentrate more on my work," And helpless governors wake To resume their compulsory game: Who can release them now, Who can reach the deaf, Who can speak for the dumb? All I have is a voice To undo the folded lie, The romantic lie in the brain Of the sensual man-in-the-street And the lie of Authority Whose buildings grope the sky: There is no such thing as the State And no one exists alone; Hunger allows no choice To the citizen or the police; We must love one another or die. Defenceless under the night Our world in stupor lies; Yet, dotted everywhere, Ironic points of light Flash out wherever the Just Exchange their messages: May I, composed like them Of Eros and of dust, Beleaguered by the same Negation and despair, Show an affirming flame. "Love and trust, in the space between what's said and what's heard in our life, can make all the difference in this world." Long term relationships such as marriage and committed partners go through developmental stages: "getting to know you" - falling in love stage; adjustment to living together stage; "seven year itch" or questioning stage; and settling in, deepening intimacy stage. Each stage of a relationship represents a transition, a deepening of the relationship marked by greater intimacy or greater stress and/or sometimes both, because growth in relationship is a winding path.
Today's post will discuss the falling love in stage and subsequent posts will elaborate on the final three stages. Falling in love, deciding to spend your life with a partner is a decision people often make based on physical and cultural attraction and sometimes talk about as if they had no control over: "it was bigger than the both of us", "I was swept away", "love at first sight", but what is going on psychologically can be something entirely different. Firstly, attraction is biochemical, we are animals after all, and hormones, pheromones, and physical attraction play a large part in the process. Secondly, we live in a culture, in which we have been "programmed" since our birth on what to expect from relationships and what "kind" of person makes a good mate. Thirdly, there is the psychological process of "projection" which can be simply explained by the childhood taunt used to reflect projection: "I know you are, but what am I?". Wow, with all that going on how are we ever going to choose the "right" mate? Well, we all make mistakes and hopefully learn from them, but one of the great tragedies of the modern world is very few people actually date anymore, so mistakes often have more serious consequences. Dating is a period of discernment, during which time, you really got to know something about your potential mate: their values, their temperament, their goals and ambitions. Too often in todays world, the emphasis is on sexual compatibility, so that becomes the overdoing motivation and determinant of compatibility. That of course is a big mistake because long term relationships are built on shared values and similar life style interests. Sex is usually great in the beginning, driven by hormones, loneliness, and sometimes sexual compulsivity and acting out; so cannot be trusted in and of itself as a sign of compatibility. The first step in choosing a partner is slowing down, a caution all of us receive, yet few of us follow. Why is that? I think it's partially because of the anxiety and insecurity of loneliness, and our lack of insight into our own motivations. This is certainly an area in which insights gained in therapy can help. Also, you want to experience activities with your partner in which you get an idea of their values -- what is important to them, what do they prioritize in life? There's not much hope for a relationship in which one partner organizes their life around work and family, and the other partner organizes around bohemian life style and indulgence. There's an old saying "genius is wisdom and youth", in others words "if I only knew then what I know now". Personal growth and self exploration is one way to develop knowledge about your self so that you don't fall into 'programmed' patterns, and really have a better chance of getting the love you want. |
