Your story is important and telling your story is even more important. Clients sometime express frustration at delving into their childhood history wondering if it has anything to do with the problems they are facing in present time. I think this story by Donald Davis is a wonderful example not only of the power of story telling but also how important it is that you tell your story and learn how the telling can help you change....
"The work-consumed father is an absent father in the psychical sense. This gives the maternal process an unnatural preference in the development of the child, not inferred by biology. This new time-equation involving the duration of time spent by mother and father is not supported by the genetic code because over millions of years, father had always spent, comparatively, more time with children than he does now."
"The condition of an overworked father, an equivalent of an absent father, generates a fantasy process which attempts retrieval of the father from the work situation."
From Psycheye by Akhter Ahsen
1. See that you want father to come home to play with you.
2. See that the father has left his job for good and he has come to stay at home with you.
3. He has kicked the job for good to be with you forever.
4. See that father likes to be with you and play with you at home.
5. Enjoy the feeling of being with him. See yourself doing many things with father in the home.
6. Do not let ideas of his work interfere with the pleasure of the image.
7. Relax and see the two of you playing together. See that the mother does not interfere in your play at all.
8. See the playfulness and forgiveness of the image as you do things in the home with father.
9. Go around outside the home with him, exploring the world, such as trees and lakes.
10. Return home and do things with him inside the home.
11. Enjoy father's company. He is no longer going to work. He has kicked the work habit.
Desire Discrepancy in couple relationships is one of the most challenging and enlightening of relationship issues. When one partner desires sex and the other for various reasons is not interested, couples who lack good communication around sexual issues can become polarized, mis-understand one another, and become emotionally disconnected. Over a long period of time, this issue can lead to estrangement and separation within the relationship or in some cases divorce.
Desire Discrepancy is a complex issue, sometimes involving physiological dysfunction, but often relational issues around commitment, eroticism, desire, and an individuals expression of their sexual self. Esther Perel, a Licensed Marriage and Family therapist and an AASECT certified sex therapist is one of the leading experts on Desire Discrepancy and has written a very interesting book -- Mating In Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic presenting her ideas of the underlying issues involved and different approaches one can take within relationship to change their approach to this issue.
One of the most compelling points she makes is about the necessity for intentionality in sexuality in long term relationships. Spontaneity of sexual desire is most often present in beginning or relationships, but it is not the source of sexual desire over the long term. She presented a good summary of this subject in a Ted Talk which can be seen here.
Many people think good relationships just happen or that people are just "lucky in love". I believe you create good relationships by the choices you make in the ways you relate. Listed below are five things that help relationships in general and that can make an OK relationship GREAT:
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.